Introduction

Those who know me well, know that I have a tendency to drop song lyrics into conversation. I feel like a line from Pat Benatar’s “Shadows of the Night” fits here…

“Baby take my hand it’ll be all right.
Surrender all your dreams to me tonight, they’ll come true in the end.”

It has been two years since I committed to take a dream of myself, a vision, and make that my reality. That feels like yesterday, but it also feels like a long time ago.

As my second year of transition is coming to an end, it is a good time to reflect on the joy and challenges alike.

Part I: The Struggles

It would be foolish to not mention the struggles that there have been. Sometimes it has felt like an uphill battle. It’s taken time, work, and money, but the Gender Dysphoria & Body Dysmorphia is fading. With each treatment, appointment, and change; it takes a small chip out of the dysphoria/dysmorphia that had felt so crippling all those years ago.

It seems that every day, there is always some new degrading, dehumanizing and transphobic story in the media about us – from politicians, celebrities or the mainstream media in general. It seems that they are more interested in attacking a highly marginalised minority, rather than dealing with actual problems.

I just want to live my life in peace, get through my medical treatment, and feel comfortable in my own skin.

Despite this, the Euphoria of the changes, seeing in the mirror, a version of me that aligns with my inner sense of identity, brings so much joy. The inner sense of peace, knowing that the processes are under way, and that all of the hard work is paying off, is priceless. It is truly Euphoric.

It is a shame that this journey comes at such a big financial cost, but I am fortunate to be in a position to do so. I have been able to shortcut a waiting time that could actually be decades long. I am grateful to the team at the Gender Hormone Clinic and the Harley Street Gender Clinic for doing what they do. They provide such a lifeline to so many people.

I have been fortunate in that my day-to-day experiences of Transphobia have been infrequent. But that doesn’t make them any less dehumanizing, especially when it doesn’t come from random strangers.

There have been times when it has felt like nothing was happening. It is a slow process, with numerous hurdles. I have had to adopt a blackout of mainstream media, to protect my mental health and wellbeing, given the toxic hatred that is perpetuated against the Trans community.

Part II: The Changes

As much as it has come at great financial cost to get here, my skin is finally feeling like my own again. All of the Laser Hair Removal and Electrolysis is worth every penny! In time, my body has become less a source of dysphoria, and it just feels like my own. This is an amazing feeling.

HRT is a slow process, getting the wrong hormones out of my system has required regular tests/check-ups and adjustments of medication. It is slow, but rewarding. The internal sense of peace that HRT has brought, and the external joy of changes to my body, has improved my self-esteem and self-confidence in ways I had only dreamed of.

Unfortunately, my GP has refused to issue prescriptions for some of the medication I need, despite agreeing to shared care with the private Gender Clinic. My GP have cited reasons, which I countered with evidence/guidance from NHS England and the General Medical Council. But they still refuse to issue that specific prescription. They have agreed to everything else though, which is progress.

This means the one of the most important medications I need, is the one I have to pay privately for, and it is the most expensive. I am fortunate in that I can afford to pay for it, but I shouldn’t have to. This is the same medication that the NHS commissioned GICs would instruct my GP to issue.

Part III: The Joy

Over the last year, I have had many wonderful experiences, the kind of experiences that would have been a dream ten years ago. Between the:

• Prides
• Festivals
• Fun nights out
• Nights in
• Movie and dinner nights
• Shopping trips

Above all else, the best thing, has been starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t remember when it started exactly, but seeing myself in the mirror, liking what I see, and saying to myself “Girl, you look hot!” is one of the most Euphoric experiences I have ever had. It’s an exercise in self-care above all else.

There has been so much fun, so many affirming experiences where I have been read correctly. The joy from this never gets old, it seems like such a small thing, but it brings such a smile to my face. Internally I jump with joy.

Overall, two years on…

Today, two years ago, I officially started a journey that was years overdue. In the past, I wished I could go back in time by 10-15 years and start my transition earlier. But, all those years ago, I wouldn’t have been in a position to do everything that I have done now, whether due to financial constraints, denial, or poor mental health.

I do wish I could go back in time and tell myself “it will be ok,” “You will make it, and those dreams will eventually be realized.”

I am excited for what this year will bring. I have a set of goals, for both transition and my life in general.

Support References

The Gender Hormone Clinic:

• https://www.instagram.com/thegenderhormoneclinic/ 
• https://linktr.ee/thegenderhormoneclinic 

Laurels NHS GIC Waiting Times

Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust – NHS Gender Identity Clinic (London) – Waiting times

Harley Street Gender Clinic

Pink News – Transphobia is on the rise – and the press is to blame.

NHS Specialised Services Circular 1620
Primary Care Responsibilities in Prescribing and Monitoring Hormone Therapy for Transgender and Non-Binary Adults (updated)

NHS Specialised Services Circular 1826
Primary Care Responsibilities In Regard To Requests by Private On-Line Medical Service Providers to Prescribe Hormone Treatments for Transgender People

General Medical Council
Paragraph 105 – Prescribing unlicensed medicines

Pat Benatar – Shadows of the Night

Help and Support

Dorset Mind offers group support that can also help with your wellbeing. The charity’s groups offer peer support. They help to reduce stigma by normalising conversations about mental health. You can also check out further support for stress and mental health here. 

You’ll find links for 1-2-1 and groups of mental health support we offer here. 

If you’re in a crisis, treat it as an emergency. Call 999 immediately or The Samaritans, FREE on 116 123. NHS Dorset’s Helpline ‘Connection’ can be reached on 0800 652 0190. It’s also available 24/7.

Today’s Guest Blogger

Thank you once again to Charlotte, for their open and honest account of two years since announcing their transition to the world – and becoming their true self as Charlotte.

Read Charlotte’s first blog, The Transition: Becoming Charlotte.